“I’m not supposed to be in here,” I say to the room. It is filled with hopes, and fantasies; deepest wishes and longings. It hurts to be in here. But it hurts just as much to leave. I cry inside the room. I kneel and I sob, and rock forward, then back, then forward again, […]
And Then You Were Gone
I tell my best friend, “He deserves someone better than me.” And he does. Is it because I think so highly of him, or so little of me as of late? I can’t honestly tell. But if I had to guess, I’d say the former is closer to the truth. My entire face is swollen […]
I’ll Have A Blue Christmas
I am sitting upright in the bed in one of my parents’ spare bedrooms. For what seems to be the 100th time in as many days, I cannot stop the cascade of tears. All I know is at this point in time, I feel like this might be the most miserable and exhausted I have […]
CardioPain Resuscitation (CPR)
I don’t mind forgetting for a little while. It’s a welcome reprieve. It’s the remembering that packs a punch.
“Since Peaches died…”
Peaches died, you guys. She fucking DIED. She’s DEAD! My big, sweet, beautiful, awkward, terrified, clumsy, loyal, old dog is NOT HERE! She’s not anywhere; she’s just gone. Forever. Do you understand that?! I will never, and I mean NEVER, get to see her or touch her again. I will never again get to press […]
But If I Did
“I don’t know what to do.” “I don’t know either.” We say it to each other, and mean it. This is new, for both of us. It’s something we both do not want to end, but it has to; the miles between us demand it. I cry to her on the phone. “Please tell me […]
Have you ever…
Have you ever been sad for a period of time, for whatever reason, and then start to feel a glimmer of happiness, but then your happiness reminds you of the last time you felt it, which was before whatever it was that made you depressed, so then you’re back to being glum? Yeah. That.
Love Them Anyway
I am still doing it. Yesterday marked one week. And still, I’m catching glimpses of her leash and thinking briefly, “The weather is so nice for our walk tonight.” I walk into my room, on a break from work, and think “I need to be quiet so I don’t disturb her.” Sometimes I hear her […]
TIME WILL TELL
It was three months ago today that I told him to get his shit and get out of my house. Three months ago that I felt that scalding pain spread over my body and set up camp for the month that followed. When the grief had not vacated after three weeks, I was certain it […]
Legacy
I had a dream about you last night. There were many parts to the dream, most of them quite blurry and difficult for me to recall. But at one point in the dream we walked side by side; your right arm was across my shoulders and my left arm was around your waist. “Have I […]
THE DAILY COUG 